multiHenrik

I will write today's blog mainly in english, so some of my american friends may be able to read it if they are curious about what I use to blog about. You Swedish guys that use to follow me know that I write pretty much about everything and don't follow any specific rules.

Yesterday I decided to drop my first class, the anatomi and physiology that was too focused about the medical problems and diseases so today I first showed up in my "new" class, probability and statistic - a math class. I'm still only taking 12 credits this semester, while I took 16 during the fall. That means I hopefully will get much more "free" time to do fun stuff, but I also feel sixes and sevens (splittrad) about it. Why? Because I know that I could handle more classes, but I was also whining about it during the fall because I could hardly find time to sleep AND doing my dancing and other activities I'm longing for. So now I already feel kind'a dissappointed over myself not doing "my best" when I see most other friends doing homework and studying and I instead have to find out many of my activities totally myself, when I have "extra" spare time compared to them.
But I try to feel satisfied about it, and recalling the late nights last semester and now feeling reliefed when I with good conscience can spend time on training and dancing instead.

I have had some different feelings now in the beginning of the semester, about learning and studies in general. I'm kind of afraid of not knowing all I'm expected to know, because I have a hard time remembering all the rules when deriving formulas in my wireless class, from Maxwells equations that I learnt about a year ago. But I also know I don't necessarily have to remember everything, but there is so much theory I've learnt and then forgotten that it now feels a little bit waste of time, when I don't use it all in my current classes.
When I don't understand - eg. in my algorithm class, I feel stupid and retarded, wondering if I'm that slow and deserve to call myself physics major. Then when I'm sitting in the Information system class or the prob stat class I attended today, it irritates me that it's so easy and just repetition, waste of time not learning new stuff.
Puhh, I'm not easy to please :)   I know that, but it feels better if I can complain a little bit and then let go.

I finished up with most of my "has to do" done before I ran to the weight room for weight lifting, took a quick shower and then went to Boulder, finding out how the "school dance" at the Hard Rock Café on-campus (cool!) at CU (University of Colorado at Boulder) was. Unfortunately they had closed Hwy93 to Boulder after about 10 miles by blocking the road with two snow-plows, so I had to go down to Arvada and there asking a bunch of people about directions and eventually finished up at Hwy36 that lead to Boulder and I also found the way to Campus. When I then very late (more then an hour instead of maybe 20-25 minutes of driving) was going to turn into the Campus area, there were huge lines of cars trying to heading out after some basketball game. I found a way in though, and after a loop there I also found the building where the dancing were supposed to be. At the Hard Rock café, on-campus!
I had never been there before and had no idea what to expect, neither type of dancing nor kind of people. Less surprising, there were a lot of familiar faces from the Merc dancing swing there. It was almost only Atomic people actually, and it appeared to me that a lot Atomic people are studying at CU.

Det kändes bra att känna till flera av dem och att de kände till mig, men det var ett väldigt litet golv med rock och pop musik där det här gänget stylade och showade runt, medan en hel del andra skolungdomar inte vågade sig ut på golvet när alla de här proffsen dansade på och istället satt i smågrupper runtom och beskådade "stjärnorna". Inte heller jag kände mig tillräckligt välkommen eller öppen för att dansa särskilt mkt, utan dansade en del men satt rätt mkt av den tid jag tillbringade där, iofs pratande med med annat folk där.

It was fun though, escpecially to see another campus, and the environment that really reminded me about how fun and relaxed people can be at some schools and also how nurdy School of Mines is. I'm glad I can get out of Mines campus and experience other places here in US as well, even if had to do it myself today.
That also brought me into some thoughts about being alone and taking care of friends. Am I doing wrong that walk my own way? I still try to be open-minded and game for anything, but sometimes when I'm going myself to the dancing I'm spending it a second thought. But when I eventually finish up dancing and having so much fun with all guys and girls I meet (and have met) because of my dancing, I don't repent it at all.

I've blogged about it before, that I feel odd and strange when I'm dancing and mention that I compete in nordic skiing and adventure racing, and also feel like an outsider when I at the competitions tell someone I'm dancing. I haven't met many people that combines endurable cardio vascular activites and dancing... But today I've been aware of two! girls that combines that. First a girl that dances AND skiis AND canoes AND...., when I was reading some of her interests on Facebook and realized she liked pretty much the same activities I use to perform, and also tonight when I met this other girl that competes in triathlon and also have been dancing for eight years and plays in an orchestra as well.
It makes me happy indeed, that it exists other people (girls) like me that have very different interests and also combine those tricky ones.

And again, I'm divided between my concentration on dance and keeping focus on the heart related activites that promote my competing in skiing and adventure racing. Today I got informed that my team mate in adventure racing have been offered and joined the really cool team Team Halti, that are going to compete in world champions ship next year, among others.
But right now, I love the dancing so much and Denver is such a dancing metropolis that I'll try to take charge of it until I have to leave.
I'm sure I'm gonna found a swing-section at my Swedish university when I go back, in addition to my role as responsible for the adventure racing section.

After new year I had a lot of time not doing anything special, on top of my dancing, and then I tried to sleep more then usual and when school started I got a cold that forced me to rest more then desired. But all the sleep also ensued me being agitated and struggled. I'm glad I now have restarted my "low sleep nights" again, even if I will handle it in more normal ways around 5-6 hours per night, because that makes me overall being more alert and making things indeed happen. Too much time made at least me low, and gave me a feeling of life being meaningless, without any point. Why do we live? I feel old, soon I'm gonna die... and what are the meaning of what I've done and performed?

*sigh* Now I feel tired of thinking about it anymore, so despite all changeable thoughts am I really glad for my current life, and next am I going to decide about some caving, iceclimbing or skiing this weekend!